When someone we care about is grieving, the urge to say something—anything—can feel overwhelming. But according to Beth Hewett, a grief coach and the founder of Good Words For Grieving, that urge is often the source of the most common mistake people make. "One of the most common mistakes that people make when they attempt to support a grieving family member or friend is trying to say the 'right thing.'" Unfortunately, as Hewett explains, "there is no single right thing to say, but there are various wrong things that we can say."
Hewett knows this from personal experience. After accompanying her mother to a difficult medical appointment, she said something incredibly thoughtless, causing her shocked mother to stare at her in disbelief. The words came from her own distress, not from empathy, and she still regrets them. "How did such a thing pop out of my mouth?" she asks. She suggests the answer is that we often speak to ease our own discomfort rather than to truly support the bereaved.
This pattern is common. Hewett recalls a client whose son had died by suicide. When a neighbor asked how she was doing, the client said she was still in shock. The neighbor replied, "Oh, I know what you're feeling. My cat died last week!" Hewett is careful to note that pet loss is real grief, but she is emphatic: "Please, never compare grief as if one person wins the grief lottery by how awful the loss feels." Comparisons, even well-intentioned ones, minimize the person's unique pain.
So what should you do instead? Hewett offers several concrete, practical alternatives.
1. Say nothing—just listen. "We can simply offer to listen," she says. Sitting with someone in silence, offering your full presence, can be more comforting than any words. A compassionate look often says more than a well-meaning cliché.
2. Say "I'm sorry." This simple phrase, offered sincerely, is usually received as intended. But be prepared for pushback. A grieving person might snap, "What are you sorry about? This didn't happen to you!" Hewett advises responding with a gentle nod and "I know." This acknowledges their pain without escalating the exchange.
3. Ask before hugging. Physical touch can be healing, but only if it's wanted. Hewett suggests asking, "Would you like a hug?" If the answer is no, respect it. If yes, offer a patient, soft hug that allows tears to flow. "Being there for the bereaved at that tender moment offers relief and support that too few people can offer," she notes.
4. Make a concrete, doable offer. Grieving people often can't think of what they need. Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," offer something specific: "I'd like to bring you dinner on Saturday. Would that be okay?" or "Jim offered to mow your lawn this month. Will that work for you?" Hewett emphasizes that the offer must leave the person in control—they can say yes or no without pressure. Adding a follow-up like "I'll check with you later" makes it clear that declining is fine.
5. Use the deceased person's name. This is one of the most powerful gifts you can give. "When a person has died, the loved ones will never again hear that name often enough," Hewett says. Speaking the name honors the life that was lived and signals that the person still matters.
Hewett also lists phrases to avoid, many of which are well-meaning but harmful: "God needed another rose in his garden," "At least she didn't suffer," "Well, you had 53 good years together," and "Big boys don't cry." These clichés, she explains, often reflect our own discomfort rather than genuine empathy.
The takeaway? You don't need to be eloquent. You need to be present. As Hewett puts it, "Let's help the bereaved through kindness and thoughtfulness and avoid unnecessary mistakes." For more guidance on mourning well, visit Good Words For Grieving.